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A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Passion of the Christ
Feb 25 2004 by Allen VoivodUhhh, it's a movie about that, like, dude…who, like, died or something…
Dad: I hate revisionist history storytelling. Where's all the stuff about Him getting it on with Mary Magdalene? Or flying through the air and making Himself tiny to save the boy who fell into the abandoned coal mine shaft?
Mom: If Jesus comes back to Earth, he'd be the perfect Queer Eye for the Straight Guy candidate. That hair! That hideous loincloth! And don't even talk to me about those gnarly toenails!
Sis: I've been wicked hot for Jim Caviezel since I saw him in G.I. Jane. And now he's making me all hot for Jesus. Madonna was right - crucifixes are sexy!
Bro: It's just these marble-mouthed guys kicking the crap outta this Guy. He must've stolen all their Magic: The Gathering cards, because that would really make me mad, too.
Baby: This immediately reminded me of Aronofsky's adaptation of Requiem for a Dream, because it's a movie made by a very capable director, working with some seriously brutal and depressing subject matter. I'll need a Boohbah marathon to get me to my happy place again.
Verdict: Only for the faithful. And only as a rental - unless a soul-wrenching guilt fetish is part of your Original Sin Package.
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