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| You feel threatened by: Home > Entertainment | October 12th |
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 American Midol: Ashton, Colin, and OrlandoMar 24 2004 by Lucky Lani
Ahhh, springtime. A time of rebirth, rejuvenation, and reawakening of winter-worn loins. And this writer's loins want to dance a merry spring jig on the current batch of Hollywood hotties. That's my loins' prerogative, and thus mustn't be stifled, lest all around them will suffer.Ashton Kutcher: The Sexy, Corn-Fed Goofball Don't let the dummy act fool you! This yummy prankster majored in Biochemical Engineering at the University of Iowa. Of course, he did drop out to pursue a modeling career...but he's been keeping Demi Moore company for a year, so something must be going on beneath that tousled hair of his. And if you think Ashton's out of your league, try stalking his fraternal twin brother. He had an emergency heart transplant in 1991, so there's a good chance you'd catch him if you ever wanted to chase him down to demand certain favors...wink, wink. Colin Farrell: Hollywood's Fave Bad Boy He drinks, he smokes, he swears...he even has children out of wedlock. What else could a tingling loin ask for? This tough-talkin' ode to testosterone is said to be a chronic insomniac. Is it a coincidence his sleeplessness allegedly began around the time a typical male youth plunges into puberty? I like to think not. I like to think this Dublin native is too torqued up by exquisitely crude fantasies to calm himself into a restful slumber. Besides, a man who knows how to tame the wily unibrow into expressive submission is a real man, indeed! Orlando Bloom: The Swashbuckling Brit Who Would Be Elf Didya SEE this guy with Johnny Depp in that little pirate movie last year? Ain't too many younguns who can draw a woman's attention away from The Johnny – even as a Keith Richards wannabe. Orlando came close. And though I, personally, may find more sex appeal in Will Ferrell's elf Buddy than in Bloom's blond-haired elf Legolas, I am not a tweenager. Thus, Mr. Bloom has become to LOTR what DiCaprio was to Titanic - that token man-boy heartthrob coveted by giddy, boy-crazy girls the world over. Gentlemen, my loins salute you! Related Articles American Midol: Ashton, Colin, and Orlando Mar 24 2004
American Midol: On Gay Marriage
Mar 10 2004
American Midol: The Passion of the Christ, 30 Lives LaterFeb 25 2004 American Midol: Mother Google Makes a Bust Feb 11 2004 American Midol: On Twins, Poofs, and Pirates Jan 28 2004 American Midol: Why Does This Column Exist? Jan 14 2004
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