American Midol: Fox’s The Swan and the Icky-Dicky Truth About Plastic Surgery

Move over, Baseball. America's got a leaner, meaner, less-wrinkled pastime.

Welcome to the brave new oddly-Aryan world of cosmetic surgery. Simply:

1. PERCH a perky nose above Nemo-inspired lips.
   
2. S-T-R-E-T-C-H your face like Silly Putty.
   
3. SUCK all the fat out of your suddenly-hairless skin.
   
4. REVEL in your newfound aesthetic splendor.

But if BEAUTY's only skin deep, while UGLY goes clean to the bone, then why, oh why, aren't marrow transplants sweeping the nation?

Because we don't really care what's going on inside of us, do we? There's no quantifiable measurement of inner beauty. Sure, your own mother will likely flood you with all the pretty compliments the rest of the world overlooks on a daily basis. However, she's not the one trying to score a little action with a well-endowed schnozzle and an ever-sprawling rear load.

But enough about my issues. Let's get back to our fanatical worship of over-inflated boobs that salute like Nubian totems.

And what better way to do so than to give props to The Swan: the Fox reality series that turns perfectly normal* American women into the stunning likenesses of real-life female impersonators. But unlike most fabulous she-males, these overly coifed and deeply distressed damsels must resume their lives looking utterly unlike themselves - or, if they're *lucky* - they get to compete in a beauty pageant for a chance to become - pause for dramatic effect - "The Ultimate Swan."

And then there's MTV's I Want a Famous Face, and of course ABC's wildly successful Extreme Makeover boob-tube cabaret...

Um, excuse me, but are plastic surgeons suddenly funneling money into the Hollywood machine via guerrilla factions in the Middle East? Is that what this whole Iraq thing is really all about?

Because for all the men and women paying muchos dineros to nip-n-tuck, yank-n-stretch, and burn-n-bulge 'til latex is a viable wardrobe option, there's one teensy-eensy detail the Kingdom of Transformation Experts forget to mention:






Growing old gracefully looks way better than fighting Mother Nature all the way down to the marrow.


*Ha! As if there is such a thing as a "normal" woman!

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