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A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Troy!
Like all good summer blockbusters, this movie tries to be everything to everyone. So you get a dozen big-buttock battle scenes, Brad Pitt's bare buttocks, some naked-buttocked random chick you've never heard of before, and a half-buttocked history lesson. That's a lot of buttock, for sure.
 Dad: Every time I hear Agamemnon's name I think of that inscrutable Sean O'Shawn poem: "A thousand years passed since/Agamemnon said, "Don't open/The gates, who the hell needs/A wooden horse that size?"
 Mom: [Fainted upon viewing the twenty-foot wide display of Brad Pitt's naked buttocks. Submitted her review from the ambulance in a delirium.] Jeebus, you can take me now. I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good. Oh Lordy, is it ever good and finely sculpted. Forget the golden calf - I'll take the golden buttocks, Jeebus, gimme the golden buttocks!
 Sis: I'm so totally confused. All these guys look wicked hot in their skirts. Does that mean I like those tran-whatevers? Ohmigod, it's, it's...[Also fainted upon viewing the twenty-foot wide display of Brad Pitt's naked buttocks.]
 Bro: Is there really such a thing as "Buttock Appreciation Week"? My teacher said this is the week for it. I don't believe her, but I'm still gonna wear my chaps to school for extra credit.
 Baby: Okay, now we're talking. Forget that Van Helsing nonsense - blockbuster season has officially begun. And it arrives in the form of a set of twenty-foot-wide buttocks. It's buttock-tacular - with only the barest hint of that awful diaper rash feeling.
 Verdict: Oh, go ahead and see it. It's halfway entertaining and halfway educational, so that should add up to something positive, right? And did we mention Brad Pitt's naked buttocks?
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