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  American Midol

American Midol: If Opinions Are Like A**Holes, Why Do We Worship the Flotsam and Jetsam of Michael Moore's Puckered Orifice?

What do we really know about Michael Moore, other than he's the director of Fahrenheit 9/11, the most financially successful documentary ever to hit theaters?

  • He likes baseball caps.
  • He won't be waving flags and singing anthems at the GOP convention.
  • He hasn't yet jumped on the no-carb bandwagon.*

    And maybe, if we've been paying attention over the last 15 years, we might know he's done other All-Hail-the-Proletariat contra-mentaries, like 1989's Roger and Me, 2002's Bowling for Columbine, and some similarly-themed TV gigs in between.

    But he's not the only one with anti-government rage - especially in the Robbins-Sarandon-Clooney-Streisand-Gere-Baldwin-Penn-Beatty vibe of Tinseltown. So why is he the only one to whom we pay any attention?

    It's certainly not his wild sex appeal. At 50 years old, Moore makes fighting the good fight look like the worst health and beauty gaffe a human can make.

    Could it be his fetching personality? Ummmm...No. 'Nuff said.

    In an ironic twist that befits a Greek comedy, Michael Moore owes his commercial success as a lone-wolf anti-hero to one thing and one thing only: the Republican Party.

    Without the Evil Rich White Men starring in the role of the all-important antagonist, this Irish-American underdog act would have been hooked by the cane long ago.

    Which makes one wonder five things:

    1. While he sits in his modest $2 million home in NYC, contemplating which horrid special interest, neo-conservative poison he's going to attack next, is he motivated by setting things straight, or by building his own greed-grubbing capitalist nest egg?

    2. Are Bush and his henchmen any more dangerous as Mad Scientists of the Media than Michael Moore?

    3. Which one of Michael Moore's puckered orifices is really doing the talking?

    4. Does Michael Moore know the honest answer to any of the first three questions?

    5. Do we?


    *Technically we don't actually know this for a fact, but I feel confident of the veracity of the conjecture.

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