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The Ex-Files: A Breakup Letter from Britney
Jul 21 2004 by The Cosmic DetectiveWhen I emerged from my Montana retreat, several unsettling truths awaited me. Slim-Fast had ditched Whoopi. Martha was going to jail. Gwyneth had made the acupuncture cup treatment famous before I did. And Iíve been getting cupped for years. The most perplexing news of all, however, was yet to come.
Britney Spears isn't signing a prenup.
Immediately, I started making calls. It didnít take long to locate an ex-Britney bootyshaker who was willing to dish. In my business, backup dancers are some of the most reliable sources.
The next day, a package arrived on my doorstep. Inside was what looked like a photocopied letter. The writing was very girly. It read...
Dear Millions of Dollars,
Iím breaking up with you. Not right this second. I have a wedding to plan. And since Iím paying for it, I need you. But after that.
Letís face it. Iím a celebrity. I need fame. Adoration. My name in the tabloids. If Feddy and I settle down, that goes away. How would I survive? But this has to look sincere. Which is why Iím not signing a prenup. And why Iíll eventually break up with half of you, according to California law.
I mean, after the whole Vegas wedding fiasco with Jason...I canít be just another J. Lo., hopping from man to man. Although thatís how the girl remains in the public eye. I wonder if she teaches classes on man-hopping? All I date are these crummy backup dancers. Sure, she started there, but now she dates men with money, men with careers of their own, men whose stars shine almost as brightly as hers.
Too bad it didnít work out with Justin. If weíd stayed together, that whole Super Bowl incident might never have happened. Or it woulda been my boob. But then again, Janet needed the publicity. Anyway, itís been great knowing you, Millions. Iíve loved every minute of your warm embrace. Be good to Kevin. Heíll need you to support his drug habit and all of his kids when I dump him.
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