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  Ex-Files

The Ex-Files: The Demise of Dunst and Gyllenhaal

In a profession that relies on unhappily ever after, a thick skin is required. Some people call you indecent. Others label you a leech. Some even go so far as to lump you into the paparazzi category.

But what no one realizes is that even though one's livelihood depends on the end of the affair, one can still root for the underdog - l'amour. And when you see a couple who seems to have all the makings of a successful lifelong love story, even a seasoned pro like me gets a little misty when the fireworks fizzle.

Like they did recently between Kirsten and Jake.

They're young, good looking, and could both hook up with a string of Hollywood hotties. But there was something special about them. They had soul. From Jake's dreamy half-lidded gaze and burgeoning superhero status to Kirsten's killer body and timeless wisdom, they seemed to get it. They shied away from the media, were deeply protective of their relationship, and respected each other's work. So what went wrong?

I made some calls and quickly discovered that no one stateside was talking. And so I went transatlantic. Those Brits are some of the best gossips! According to my source, it was Ms. Mary Jane who broke things off. But why?

Could it be their dueling summer blockbusters? Was competition at the root of Dunst's dump? I dug deeper, and found myself at the home of Europe's most notorious celebrity psychic. According to Madame B'ovary, the breakup was mutual. Both parties felt the need to explore life on their own, date other people, and really figure out if their young love was the real deal.

I suppose their naiveté comes from having too much too soon, of not knowing that when a good thing comes along, you fight for it. You embrace it until your dying breath. Love is fleeting and reserved for those who know how to cherish it. I guess Kirsten and Jake weren't the terrific twosome I thought. Otherwise, they never would have let go.

Even so, I wish them well. Oh l'amour, you tricky bitch.

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