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| You have fallen over: Home > Entertainment | August 30th |
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 American Midol: Last Columnist Drooling – A Heartfelt Love Letter to Gary GulmanAug 14 2004 by Lani Voivod
Dear Gary,Hi. [Already blushing copious shades of fire engine red.] I sort of think you're really, um, talented. Yes, very talented. And bright, and funny, and sweet, and charming, and endearing, and witty, and, ahhhh... Okay – I can't help it. You're freakin' HOT. You're hot you're hot YOU'RE HOT. I'm sitting here writing this to you, and I'm shamefully giddy, right down to my special place. I'm sporting a foolish grin just thinking about you – those dimples, that swagger, the way you look in your jeans...everything. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before UPS offers you a job because, man oh man, no one carries a package like you. And your NOSE. Hold on – I'm not mocking you – I'm passionately serious. Not even Adonis himself could carry a nose like that. So strong! So suggestive! I can only imagine its power to inhale the most exquisite scents. (Oh, how I wish my pheromones were among them!) I remember when you first sauntered onto the set of Last Comic Standing 2. You were dreaming big dreams, my comic prince! I could tell in the sparkle of your chocolately eyes. And though you didn't win the ultimate LCS title (which, alas, was fair, as both John Heffron and Alonzo Bodden are better stand-ups – but only because they've been doing this longer than you!), you have won a warm and gooey place in my hubba-thumping heart. Rest assured I'll be following your career and willing your ascent to big-screen success. And good luck against those infinitely less-sexy comics in "The Battle of the Best." I know you'll do great! As for your penchant for cookies: I'll never walk down the cookie aisle again without wondering what it would be like to be an Oreo in your nimble-fingered hands. Would you bite? Twist? Lick? Or might you simply dunk me in some ice-cold milk, and then suck the sweetness right out of me, savoring me until I melted into nothingness? It's these kinds of reveries that keep writers alive, and their husbands blissfully satiated. Related Articles American Midol: Cameron Diaz and the Fall of the Good Girl Jul 24 2004
American Midol: If Opinions Are Like A**Holes, Why Do We Worship the Flotsam and Jetsam of Michael Moore's Puckered Orifice?
Jul 3 2004
American Midol: Tina Fey and Her Magnificent Melons
Jun 17 2004
American Midol: Fantasia Barrino – OOOH, Lawdy! That Girl's Got Herself Some Pipes!
May 19 2004
American Midol: On This Day in History – The Day the Friends Ship Sunk
May 6 2004
American Midol: Fox's The Swan and the Icky-Dicky Truth About Plastic Surgery
May 3 2004
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