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  Ex-Files

The Ex-Files: Ditching the Material Girl for Stripperella

I was in L.A. for a Kabbalah workshop recently with my on-again, off-again friend Madge. One morning, the two of us drove to Malibu to do yoga on the beach. We were in the midst of breath-of-fire when she entered my awareness.

Cracking one eye open (Madge would KILL me), I saw her a few yards away. First, it was the mane of bleached blond hair that caught my eye. Then, those famous proportions. Not that I was ogling, but when an icon like her frolics on the beach in nothing but a bikini and Uggs, one takes notice. One even silently leaves yoga with Madge to get a closer look. (From her irate messages on my voicemail, I think our friendship is off-again.)

Next thing I know, my new friend and I are skipping down the beach chatting about life, love, and eventually, breakups. Turns out, Ms. Baywatch knows my work. She’s even a fan. I’m flattered.

We leave the beach, share a Green Tea infusion at the local tea house, and gab like old friends. I’m so impressed by the blonde one’s ability to look at life through a Zen kaleidoscope. Especially considering the choices she’s made when it comes to love.

Eventually, I ask Ms. VIP if I can take notes. She obliges, and here is what I deem to be her official rules for getting over a breakup:
  1. Get another tattoo.
  2. Date another rock star.
  3. Get your implants removed.
  4. Get bigger implants.
  5. Pose naked for Playboy.
  6. Do something good - pose naked for PETA.
  7. Have a fling with your ex.
  8. Go homeopathic.
  9. Write a steamy novel.
  10. Just keep looking better and better!
Eventually, we part ways. But I’m so inspired by my time with Stripperella that I contemplate getting a bumper sticker for my electric vehicle that says WWPD? What Would Pam Do?

As for Madge, let’s just say I’ve been banned from the Hollywood Kabbalah center for life (this lifetime, that is) or until our friendship is on-again. Whichever comes first.

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