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| You just spat on: Home > Entertainment | August 28th |
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 The Ex-Files: Ten Days That (Almost) Changed the WorldSep 22 2004 by The Cosmic Detective
In an effort to detoxify my mind, body, and soul, I recently went on a ten-day fast known as The Master Cleanser. Here are some excerpts from my personal diary during the fast...Day One - Lemon juice, check. Maple syrup, check. Cayenne pepper, check. Industrial lock on the liquor cabinet, check. Day Two - Had to turn off the cell phone. Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav kept calling and begging me to go to Vegas with them. Day Three - I wonder if Madge - or is it Esther now - is still mad at me? You think she flew all the way to Israel just for Kabbalah? Day Four - How am I supposed to fast when Scott Baio keeps spamming me with internet porn? Day Five - Ohhhh, it's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself. I love how you can tell, all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me... Day Six - Who needs detox tea when you've got coffee enemas? Twice the caffeine AND twice the fun! A little tip from my new best friend Pamela Anderson. Day Seven - I really think Carly Simon wrote that song about me. But of course I can't ask her about it... Day Eight - Sarah Jessica is sure to win the Emmy. I can FEEL it. Day Nine - Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Shirley MacLaine, stop that! You're freaking me out, Girlfriend! Day Ten - Last night the Dalai Lama and I connected souls telepathically. We woulda achieved world peace if Richard Gere hadn't kept interrupting. Damn that cosmic call-waiting feature. Technology is such a bitch! When I emerged from my seclusion, I felt a sense of déjà vu in the world around me. Britney had gotten married in a quickie weekend ceremony. Bennifer, Part Deux was in full swing. I gotta be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready for all this. I could use a vacation from the freak show that Hollywood sometimes feels like. Maybe I'll fly out to Vegas after all and surprise 'Gitte and Flav... Related Articles The Ex-Files: Ditching the Material Girl for Stripperella Sep 7 2004
The Ex-Files: The Ex-Laker and His Leading Lady Vanish
Aug 18 2004
The Ex-Files: The Demise of Dunst and Gyllenhaal
Aug 5 2004
The Ex-Files: A Breakup Letter from Britney
Jul 21 2004
The Ex-Files: The Cosmic Detective Turns Off, Tunes Out, and Drops Down
Jul 7 2004
The Ex-Files: The Minnie Loves and Losses of a Hollywood Starlet
Jun 23 2004
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