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A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Surviving Christmas!
Oct 22 2004 by Lani VoivodThis is the holiday movie Currier and Ives would have made had they been filmmakers! That is, if they had been talent-less, soulless, inspiration-less filmmakers. The kind you find in city campus crack houses, talking about the films of Fellini and Scorsese while scratching the scabs off their dry, sore-festered skin.
Dad: That Ben Affleck, ho ho ho! He's a handsome son-of-a-gun. If I were a woman at his office party, I'd be sure to plant myself under the mistletoe and wait patiently for his cockles to warm my puckered lips.
Mom: Um, honey? I'm not sure "cockles" means what you think it means. Now I understand why your boss got angry when you offered to lend him some salve for his chapped cockles.
Sis: I totally can't wait for Christmas this year. I've been sooo good, there's no way Mom and Dad aren't gonna let me go to Panama City with Roach for New Years. No way!
Bro: Man, I love tinsel. Shiny. Pretty. It's the universal pagan glimmer, AND it makes flossing festive as can be!
Baby: Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben. What's the matter, big guy? You've given up the drink, the girl...did ya have to give up the judgment, too? You're an Academy Award-winning writer, for jingle's sake! It's enough to make a baby spit up all over himself with acid reflux.
Verdict: If you like flat, forced, contrived holiday banter, then this is a must-see! Otherwise, you're better off watching the whole It's a Wonderful Life 24-hour marathon than wasting 92 minutes on this piece of reindeer excrement.
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Sep 24 2004