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A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Saw!
Oct 29 2004 by Allen VoivodWesley, Princess Buttercup's True Love, awakens seventeen years after starring role to find himself trapped in a movie created by people who thought Se7en was too subtle. So how does the Family handle this gory, nearly NC-17 carnival of gruesomeness?
Dad: [Snuck out to watch Raise Your Voice with Hilary Duff, and left wishing that Duff would just settle her feud with Lindsay Lohan over a couple glasses of red wine, a bottle of baby oil, and a marathon session of "Force Field."]
Mom: [Snuck out to watch Shall We Dance? with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez, and left believing that Dirty Dancing is still the best movie ever, and that Jennifer Gray's "Baby" could put J. Lo. in a corner any day of the week.]
Sis: [Snuck out to watch The Motorcycle Diaries with "That hot guy from all the Mexican movies" (Gael Garcia Bernal), and left wondering whether she should give the nerdy-hot student body president a chance to get to second base with her.]
Bro: [Snuck out to watch Taxi with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, and left thinking that he needs to diversify his specimen selection for the "2005 Bug-a-Day Gross-Out" he's been planning for his sister.]
Baby: Hey! HEY!!! Where did everybody go now?! You can't just keep leaving me here to watch this nightmarish slash-cut thrash-rock scare-fest! I don't care if they call it The Disney Channel! A-ha! Bet you thought they took me to see this grisly flick. But nope, they just left me home by myself again. It's a movie review with a twist ending! And, ummm...could you call my mom's cell phone for me? There's something squooshy in my diaper.
Verdict: Big screen for all the sick bastards out there, and no way in hell for the rest of you.
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Oct 2 2004