A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Alfie!

What's it all about? Glad you asked! It's a modern take on the controversial 1966 British movie that made a star out of Michael Caine. Except the update has Jude Law, fails to address modern concerns and breezes past any opportunity for controversy. Not sounding very good so far.

Dad: *Sigh.* I hate having to decide whether my annoyance at a flat movie can be placated by hot naked women in steamy situations. O Mel, why must I be such an easy mark?! When did the storytelling prowess of porn creep into mainstream Hollywood?

Mom: I still don't get how "metrosexual" is sexy. There's gotta be grass on the field, moss on the rocks, husks on the corn AND fat grapes on the vine for a guy to be worth "playing ball" with!

Sis: If Britney hadn't dated him, Justin Timberlake would totally be this Alfie guy right now. Stupid Britney. And Butterfly Boucher could kick your home-wrecking, concert-canceling, donger-teasing butt, Britney!

Bro: I bet this Alfie guy would scream louder than all the first grade girls did the other day, when I sneezed that melted Gummy Bear drink out through my nose. And oooo, did that make me tingle!

Baby: Jude, you're a decent actor, but you'll never match Michael Caine. And to director Charles Shyer - you used to make good movies with your ex-wife, Nancy Meyers. Now, she makes half-baked ones like Something's Gotta Give and you make ones like this Barney-level whitewash. For the sake of moviegoers everywhere, get back together!

Verdict: Bah. Rent the original instead.


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