A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...After the Sunset!

Hot old James Bond actor, hot young foreign girl, heist movie. Oh, wait, wait, oh I know! It's Entrapment, with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones, right? No? Oh. Okay. It's this one, with Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek. Well, maybe this one will suck less than the other one did. Or not.

Dad: Salma Hayek is selling herself short since her star turn in Frida. Sure, she can bury the thong side of a bikini with the best of them, but she's so much more than that.

Mom: This from the man who's still upset that Salma didn't have hard nipples during the Timecode lesbian make-out scene. And that was over four years ago! Let it go, man!

Sis: That's it! Hollywood keeps throwing tight-bodied Salma Hayeks into the arms of dirty-coot Pierce Brosnans, so now I'm just gonna go to the local retirement home and shack up with the old-cootiest guy I can find. Attention, Hollywood! The brainwashing is complete!

Bro: The shark was the best part, and they mutilated it. They just…c'mon, it was just a shark! It didn't want to...AAAAGH! [Then, in a fit of rage, Bro destroyed the tape machine. Note to Editor: I'm not paying for a replacement - it wasn't my fault. Editor's Note: We'll see about that.]

Baby: Director Brett Ratner has a knack for making movies with compulsively watchable actors and amnesia-inducing scripts. (Though I liked The Family Man, Brett - and I totally related to the baby in that one.)

Verdict: Rental.


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