A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...White Noise!

For 2005, the four oldest members of the Family decided to pick a new review order. Straws were drawn, and the patriarchy was smashed! Then they got to watch White Noise, which can't even lamely call itself the "Scariest Movie of the Year," since the Nazi propaganda documentary Hitler's Hit Parade opened today, too.

Sis: [Moved from third to first spot, but was unable to review this movie, due to her lockdown in a local detox ward, after consuming a large portion of the sixteen cases of beer she bought for a New Year's Party at a newly constructed but as-yet-unoccupied home. Criminal charges are pending.]

Mom: I'm in the same flippin' spot again! Can't a sista get a break? Who do I have to [expletive deleted] to go fourth?

Bro: [Singing] Yeah, I'm movin' on up! To the third spot, where the stench of my sister still liii-iiingerrrrrrrrrrrrrrs...

Dad: Honey, my wife, my darling, since I pulled the #4 straw, I guess the answer is "me." Woohoo! [Singing] ACTION, baby, I got so much to give! I wanna give it - I wanna get some too, oh I, oooh I-IIIIIII--

Baby: Michael Keaton is the poor man's Tom Hanks. Too bad, really, since Keaton can do everything Hanks can, AND he can play a bad guy, which Hanks can't. But Hanks picks the right scripts - an even better talent. And the White Noise script? It bites like my new pre-molars.

Verdict: Why are we even talking about this movie? Why aren't you going out to see an Oscar contender instead?


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