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| You are just out of reach of: Home > Entertainment | September 3rd |
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Desperate Search to Capture Paris Hilton's Escaped Property - Part 3Jan 28 2005 by Kevin Scrantz
Wednesday, we broke the news that Paris Hilton's vagina had been lost, only to reappear on a violent rampage in coastal New Jersey, as detailed in Thursday's installment. Here is the final installment of our stunning three-part report.Vicodin Beach, NJ - Paris Hilton, who has owned the vagina for years, claims to have taught it several tricks, including eating cookies out of her hand. "It's really gentle. People just don't get it." Gentle or not, says Sgt. Rick Francis of the Vicodin Beach police, his men have been authorized to use extreme force in apprehending it. "They've been told to shoot to kill, and not take any stupid chances." Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge was summoned to the scene and immediately raised the local terror alert to Code Red, fearful the vagina might fall into the hands of local terrorists. "It could spell disaster if this thing falls into the wrong hands," Ridge explained at a news conference held on the beach. "We just can't take the chance of its being found by al-Qaeda militants. Who knows what might happen?" Hilton has already made several pleas on national news outlets begging the fugitive vagina to give itself up. "I know you're hungry and scared and feel all alone and misunderstood, but it doesn't have to be that way. Please come home," she wept. "Come home, that's all I want." She is today clinging to the hope it was a case of mistaken identity, explaining she was sure her vagina "wouldn't be caught dead in Jersey." "I won't give up," she said, raising her tiny pointed head defiantly on her famous garden-hose-like neck. "I'm going to leave cookies near its water dish by my bed and hope when I wake up it'll be right back where it belongs. "We still have a lot of partying to do together. This is so like a bad dream." Hey, did you miss how it started? Check out Part 1 and Part 2 of the story!
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