News Satire Spoof Parody Humor Barry Bonds
DeadBrain: Daily news satire, spoof, parody and humor
  You are drifting somewhere near: Home > EntertainmentApril 19th 
  American Midol

American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 1 = Before the Neverland Sting)

WTF happened to this high-pitched, ever-paling, nose-collapsing, kid-fondling car wreck of a human being? Let's peruse Jacko's Highlights Reel and see if we can shed a modicum of light onto this ultra-talented mega-legend-gone-Bad.

1962. A blue-collar patriarch named Joe Jackson decides to organize his three oldest sons into a musical group. One year later, his five-year-old son *Michael* steps in and takes over as the freakishly gifted front man.

1968. Motown signs The Jackson 5. The world LOVES 'em. We're talking albums, dolls, network cartoons...the works.

1977. A 19-year-old Michael co-stars with Diana Ross in The Wiz, an all-black, totally funk-a-fide retelling of Hollywood's vanilla darling, The Wizard of Oz.

1979. Off the Wall. A solo career is launched.

1982. Thriller. The biggest-selling album of all time, inciting worldwide fandom of gasket-blowing proportions.

1985. MJ teams up with the ceiling-dancing Lionel Richie to co-write "We Are the World." It FLIES.

1986. Enter Jackson's short-film collaboration with George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola, Captain Eo. This special-effects super-show dominates Disney's IMAX theaters for 12 years.

1987. Bad. The first album EVER to produce five number one hits.

1991. Dangerous. (Next-decade quarterbacking begs the question: is Jackson naming albums here, or slapping none-too-subtle warning labels on himself?)


1993. Michael Jackson is accused of molesting a 13-year-old boy who happened to be a frequent guest at Michael's fantasy-driven youth homage, Neverland Valley Ranch.

1994. Michael marries Lisa Marie Presley. It lasts five minutes.

1995. Michael gives the world HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book 1. The world says, "eh."

1996. Jackson remarries and procreates! The nurse-turned-wife delivers two children, son Prince Michael Jackson Jr. and daughter Paris Michael Katherine Jackson.

1999. The bizarro-world breeders call it quits.

2001. Invincible. It's anything but.

2002. Michael dangles his 11-month-old son over the edge of a German hotel suite's balcony. The world *gasps* in horror!

November 18, 2003. Jackson's Number Ones arrives in stores; Neverland is searched by authorities for the first time.

The ultra-creepy life of Michael Jackson unfurls in Part 2 = The Quick Spit Facts and uncorks in Part 3 = An Elite Selection of Juicy, Lewd, and Sordid Details. Read on!

Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to!

Related Articles
American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 1 = Before the Neverland Sting) American Midol: The Top 3 Trends of 2005 American Midol: Brad, Jen, and a Corny-Yet-Heartfelt Declaration from a (Slightly) Parallel Universe American Midol: 2004 Betrayed by Its Hottest Keywords American Midol: 2004 Goes SPLAT American Midol: The Mad-Scientist Genius That IS VH1

Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently.Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin