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  American Midol

American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 2 = The Quick-Spit Facts)

Michael Jackson's sordid saga began in Part 1 = Before the Neverland Sting. And without further ado, here's Part 2.

"Please keep an open mind and let me have my day in court. I deserve a fair trial like every other American citizen. I will be acquitted and vindicated when the truth is told."
-Michael Jackson, in a statement read to Fox News' Geraldo Rivera and the world in January, 2005

Oh, I don't know about that, Michael. The evidence appears a tad too incriminating to be totally innocent. And even though many of us truly want to believe you you've given us some of the best music, the best videos, the best dancing, and the best celebrity-gawking of our lives you've made it pretty darn hard.

EXHIBIT A: Just the Facts

  • Michael Jackson, universally-renowned pop icon for four decades, 46 years old. Height = 5'11, Weight = 120 (!!!- this weight on a nearly six-foot tall man, all by itself, arouses suspicions that something is simply not right with this guy!!!)

  • The Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department arrests Jackson in November, 2003 for child molestation, after a raid of his Venus-Fly-Trap-for-Kids estate, NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH.

  • The accuser, a now-15-year-old cancer patient for Cripe's sake (then 13), alleges that Jackson gave him booze, shared some of his favorite porn sites and mags, told him that "boys have to masturbate or they go crazy," and selflessly offered to rescue the boy from this unspeakable fate.

  • Jackson's April, 2004 indictment includes 28 "overt acts" that comprise a felony conspiracy count.

  • More than 1,000 news reps from around the globe have applied for credentials to deliver this media-madhouse to their countrymen.

  • E! Entertainment Television has trumped them all by promising to create daily re-enactments of the proceedings starring real live actors! Plus "complete gavel-to-gavel coverage of the proceedings, with a courtroom primer, daily scorecard, deliberator poll and more..."

    I imagine OJ Simpson reclining on a lounge chair, orally fondling an illegally-imported stogie, and grinning from ear to murderous ear. For this Michael Jackson mess is not merely a celebrity-persecution, not solely a public stoning of moonwalk proportions.

    It's much, MUCH bigger.

    We've saved the most lurid and climactic for last in Part 3 = An Elite Selection of Juicy, Lewd, and Sordid Details. Drive it home!

    Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to!

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