A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Constantine!

Keanu Reeves gets to say bad words and flash his pretty teeth during action poses in this comic book adaptation movie. Alan Moore, creator of that comic book (Hellblazer) had his name removed from the credits. Never mind that he’s a cranky, eccentric Brit who looks kind of like Harry Potter’s Hagrid – it’s still a bad sign.

Sis: Is this what they’re learning over at the religious school with those big, pointy iron gates and the horror-movie wardrobe? No wonder they get more wasted than anyone in my public school.

Mom: That’s why we put you in public school, so you wouldn’t get all muffied up in the head. As for the rest of your body, we know your boyfriend was over here last Friday while you were babysitting, so you’re grounded.

Bro: Don’t look at me, sis. The twenty was more than enough to buy my silence - and the coolest Japanese fighting fish ever! HIIII-YAHH!

Dad: [Missed screening due to business trip, during which he was an absolute bore for our staff investigator, who couldn’t catch him doing anything improper.]

Baby: The source material is heavy stuff, and they strip-mined it for the stuff they could burn. Does it look neat-o? Sure, it always looks neat-o with a music video director like Francis Lawrence behind the camera. But for a movie about the fate of souls, it’s pretty soulless. This coming from a baby who hasn’t been christened, mind you.

Verdict: Geeks: Big screen to keep street cred current. Rest of you: Spend the money on a Hellblazer comic instead, if your Jacksons are burning a hole in your pocket.


Need a second opinion? Check out the trailer and a different take on the movie by the eminent and learned Brian Briggs at BBspot.com, premiere purveyors of "entertainment for the geekier side of the world."

Related Articles
A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Hitch!

Feb 11 2005

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Hide and Seek!

Jan 29 2005

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Alone in the Dark!

Jan 29 2005

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Elektra!

Jan 14 2005

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Coach Carter!

Jan 14 2005

A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...Their Movie Reviews for 2004!

Jan 7 2005