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 American Midol: Paris Hilton. Why?Feb 21 2005 by Lani Voivod
Privileged. Affected. Ubiquitous. Skinny to the point of skeletal farce. Paris Whitney Hilton. A brown-eyed girl hiding behind blue contact lenses, ever-flaunting an unapologetic B-cup. "If you have a beautiful face," explains the pose-perfect runway model, "you don't need big fake boobs to get anyone's attention." Paris – aptly named after the city of love. A staunch devotee of dogs the size of city rats, with carnal escapades that boast more film credits than Redford and Newman combined. Sweet Paris, the eldest Hilton sister. A veritable fashionista, shamefully cursed with feet as long as loaves of bread. (A catastrophic size 11!) "Yeah, it sucks, because I see all these super cute shoes in the stores -- Guccis, YSLs, Manolos. And when they bring them out in my size, they look like clown shoes." Little Miss Simple Life, genuinely enthralled by Wal-Mart, people who ride buses to get places, and all things pink and shiny. "I'm totally normal," insists the aspiring singer, Guess model, author, perfumer, actress, Japanese hand bag spokesperson, and international-night-club-chain owner. "I think it's obnoxious when people demand limos or bodyguards. I eat at McDonald's or Taco Bell. My parents always taught us to be humble. We're not spoiled." Paris the heiress, born February 17, 1981. A textbook Aquarian – exuberant, lively and a documented exhibitionist – repeatedly noted for her totally sober table-dancing prowess. "I hate the taste of alcohol," she claims. "When I'm drinking, I'm drinking Red Bull." Pretty Paris, pop-proselytizer for the modern-day tween. "Tell people what they want to hear, then do whatever you want." A female Casanova, with so many celebrity exes she could start her own collectible trading card deck. A woman so passionate about expressing her views, she trademarked her signature vocal tick: "That's hot." Paris Hilton – stripped down, sexed up, and always ready for a first class party. Quite possibly one of the most fascinating people on the planet today. Why? Because it takes a special type of person to be everywhere, do everything, and STILL remain utterly, hopelessly, and painfully uninteresting. Paris Whitney Hilton. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......... Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com! Related Articles American Midol: Jacko, Porno, Court-o, Uh-Oh! (A Michael Jackson Primer, Part 3 = An Elite Selection of Juicy, Lewd, and Sordid Details) Feb 14 2005
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