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| You are slobbering over: Home > Entertainment | August 30th |
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 American Midol: And the Oscar Goes to...Beyonce!Feb 28 2005 by Lani Voivod
Magic.The chick with the impossible curves, the exotic eyes, the radiant confidence...and yes, that mah-velously juicy booty, baby. Beyonce Knowles is mesmerizing, tantalizing, gape-til-your-jaw-hurts-from-hangin'-so-low MAGIC. And if anyone ever dared doubt the legit factor of the five-time Grammy winner's chops, some wise and tyrannical Oscar exec took care of that. The Naughty Girl advocate showcased Miss Knowles in front of all of today's major playas – with NOT one, NOT two, but THREE spine-tingling featurettes! – at the otherwise lackluster 77th Annual Academy Awards wingding. Hot jumpin' Jesuits, but that girl can sing! Not just in English, either. In her first number, little French-singing choir boys surrounded her while she belted out one of the five Oscar-nominated songs. A FRENCH song, no less! And she sang it in French! Maybe a real French person considered it a butcher job, but me? I took four years of French in high school, man, and though I don't think she mentioned the location of the library even once, she struck each fondue-dipped note as loud and clear as Quasimodo himself. Then she paired up with Oprah-fave Josh Groban and made him look like a scraggle-throated hack. For those unfamiliar with Mr. Groban, he's not allowed near crystal factories or stained-glass windows due to his usual passion-drenched deliveries, so kickin' his sorry pipes to the curb is a notable feat. Finally – poised with the grace and luscious elegance of, well, NO ONE WE'VE EVER SEEN AND ACTUALLY LIKED (sorry Babs, sorry Celine, but you two are so consummately affected you look like you haven't spread those Pilate thighs since the advent of the Rubik's Cube) – Beyonce liberated a Phantom of the Opera dirge so that people under 60 and NOT dying of heartache or rheumatism might appreciate it. Beyonce's 24. She smiles, and you truly believe it's not mere mugging for the camera. She stole the show in the third Austin Powers installment, and if you think for a minute she's just another pretty face with ho-hum, Glitteresque potential, PLEASE, take a second look. She's not your average jelly-shaker. The girl's a survivor. Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com! Related Articles American Midol: Real Mar 7 2005
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