A Dysfunctional Family of Five Reviews...The Ring Two!

Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down a freaking well and get the crap scared out of us with jarring jump cuts and homicidal herds of deer! Nonsensical? Try hiring the director of the original Japanese Ring movie and sequel to direct the American sequel, but don't base the American sequel on anything from the Japanese sequel! Wow!

Sis: This movie really gives mothers a bad rap. I mean sure, my mom's not the greatest or anything, but come on, at least she paid for my detox.

Mom: Some may call that "Damning with faint praise," but I prefer to think of it as, "There's still no way you're spending the weekend with your boyfriend and his hippy-dippy family at their ski lodge."

Bro: Let her go, Mom! Then you can focus on serving me, the way it's supposed to be. And my Japanese fighting fish, and my three-eyed iguana, too. We have needs, you know. Lots of 'em!

Dad: Isn't it a bit early for you to be muscling in on my territory, little man? She takes care of me before you, boy. You think you can take me? Huh? You think you can handle 162 pounds of beefcake, babyface?

Baby: I like Ehren Kruger's scriptwriting, but it seems like he was having a six-month fight with his mother while he wrote this one. Don't hold a grudge, man! No one knows better than me how much more important Mommy is than a little scuffle over liquid beef baby food.

Verdict: Horny teenagers: big screen. Horror fans: rental. Rest of you: don't bother.


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