American Midol: Hollywood Dawgs Playing Poker

Is anyone else flummoxed by the Celebrity Poker Showdown thang?

I've been surfing past this peculiar programming for a while now, each time lingering longer than the last.*

This fine, freckled hottie grew up to sport quite the poker face!

Tonight they finally got me – with a close-up of Jason Bateman. Suddenly, all those years between 1984's It's Your Move and this very moment came flooding back.

I always liked you better than Ricky, I hear myself channel to this full-grown boy-hunk. Why HAVEN'T I been watching Arrested Development? What's WRONG with me??? Why, why WHY?

Then, like a cool, sweet Texas Hold'em deal, I surrender to the felt.

First, it's the banter.

I hear words like "flop" and phrases like "stone cold bluff" and educational inserts like "Did you know a pair of queens is called a Siegfried and Roy?" and I'm like, "No, I did NOT know that. Thanks!"

Then come the mathematical complexities.

"He's 79% to win from here…" – and the percentage changes with each suspense-laden flip, and I have NO idea from where these figures are hailing, or what kinds of computer systems they're accessing to determine such rapid-fire analyses.

Next, there's the whole premise.

Is it a sport? A reality show? A card game?

A bunch of happy gambling addicts, hiding behind their favorite charities.

We've got commentators – EXPERT poker commentator Phil Gordon and the underappreciated whizbanger Dave Foley – and a live audience. The players look like total cheese balls if they're too ham-handed, and total yutzes if they're too into the game. A tricky pickle, indeed!

And let's not forget those inimitable celebrities!

Some bear names you'd expect to see ante-ing up (Matthew Perry, James Woods, Ben Affleck, Wanda Sykes). Others leave you confounded for life. (Star Jones? Really?)

So why are millions of people tuning into this show?

Is it to quench our celebrity thirst?

Might we subconsciously revere this "competitive sport" because we can all play it while sitting on our bulbous haunches, munching salty, oily, crunchy delights?