American Midol: The Sweet Suck of My Success

We all want to "make it big," right?

We all want to "arrive," "thrive," "live our dreams" and "make it to the next level."

Sadly, most people forget to define exactly what SUCCESS looks like for them. So, if they ever do "arrive," they don't even know it's time to celebrate.

Not me.

I know exactly what my success looks like. It looks like this:













And this:













And this:







Of course, she's a Dyson. But you already knew that, didn't you?

And she's not just any Dyson – the elite breed of vacuum that "doesn't lose suction." No sirree, Betty! She's The Ball™, which means she boasts three ADDITIONAL hoohahs:

1. She's got that sexy Root Cyclone™ technology going on. (No icky, bag-clogging dust restrictions for her!)
   
2. She "twists and turns like no other vacuum cleaner." (Ordinary uprights are so unwieldy! To think of the strain I've put on my wrists over the years. Oh, the humanity!)
   
3. She's the first common household super-sucker to cause ubiquitous, outrageous, nationwide buzz without involving Bill Clinton.

I'm positively dizzy with desire right now. I want this vacuum clean— nay, this state-of-the-art, effortlessly-mobile shrine to human prowess and potential, more than I've ever wanted any household item. Come to think of it, I've never even cared about big-ticket items like automobiles or full-body liposuction the way I long for this $599.00 carpet spiffer.

Just one visit to their gentle-yet-penetrating website, and I simply cannot believe I've ever deigned to clean my rugs with inferior technology.

What have I been thinking? What have I been doing with my life? Most importantly, why are these Dyson people soooo darn good at making me care about suckage???

Mr. Dyson, Sir – you had me at "centrifugal." And when that fateful day of my ARRIVAL comes, the day I first fondle your creation's handle in my warm, wanton grasp, the day I "turn off the brushbar…flip the suction changeover valve from floor to hose mode… lock out the main pivot joint for further stability…" chances are, I'll weep.

And my Ball™, no doubt, will share the bliss of my sweet success.


Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com!

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