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American Midol: Eleven Things You Don't Know About Women (a Blatant "Esquire" Rip-off)

Aug 25 2005 by Lani Voivod

If I had to describe the most optimistic version of myself in the most efficient way imaginable, I'd do it in magazine terms:

"I am O meets Esquire."

Like O, I'm obsessed with inspiration, inquisitiveness, and introspection. And Oprah.

Esquire, however, speaks to my surreptitious cool-cat snobbery, talent, and confidence. And my metaphorical Adam's apple.

So today, I've decided to present my very own Esquire-motivated ELEVEN THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT WOMEN list. Confidence notwithstanding, I don't think those guys would ever give me my own in-mag spread, and I simply must weigh in on this.

So, here goes...

Eleven Things You Don't Know About Women
by Lani Voivod

Our "patient, nurturing side" is more often indulgent role play than a genuine character trait.
Sex and the City banter is water-soaked vanilla compared to how we REALLY talk about you and your member to our girlfriends.
To indulge in truly captivating, visceral conversations about life with you, we have to slow down to a salted slug's pace.
This annoys us, but we make do.
And we may even ultimately forgive you...
...But only if you're well hung, and then only if that fact is relevant to our livelihoods.
We're TERRIFIED of revealing our vulnerable, girlie, helpless and dependant side to you. TERRIFIED. That's the second reason we turn into such raving C-U-Next-Tuesdays at the drop of a dime.
We envy your simplicity. Honest. It's probably that which we covet most. That and your ability to eat pub grub like a pig without noticeable consequence.
We love how you smell – even when you stink. (Unless it's your breath. No stinky breath please. Ever.)
Deep down, we want to be your love slave. Your cave girl. Your super-freak, dirty-ho, doe-eyed porn-slut. We want this so badly it hurts – like tin foil on a raw nerve. But the Women's Movement has f***ed with this primal instinct, and we're wicked resentful.
That's the main reason for our C-U-Next-Tuesday side. And we're really, really sorry we take it out on you. Please – forgive us.

There. Now you know.

Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com!

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