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| You just spat on: Home > Entertainment | August 30th |
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 American Midol: Save Us, Napoleon!Sep 30 2005 by Lani Voivod
I got nothin'. My inner fuse box has popped, and there's not a closed circuit to be found. I don't care about Britney's kid – she lost me when she started tramping around with that icky grease-monkey loser. I don't care about Ashton and Demi – I'm sure they're both lovely people but they haven't done much besides look pretty together. I care about the hurricane victims, yes. But I'm appalled by how good Hollywood has become at commoditizing U.S. disasters. (Thank you, Kanye West, for scaring the pucky out of the execs with a tiny dose of unscripted authenticity!) And I'm barfing over how the "news" networks LOVE to feature symmetrically-blessed mugs posing as serious reporters who are soooo fearless that they're willing to get their hair tousled in inclement weather. Oh, those brave, sparkly-teethed martyrs! I'm sick of people and businesses and organizations doing "good" for the free press it offers instead of the humanity it helps. I'm sick of obscene gas prices, the inexcusable thick-headedness of suicide bombers, and poor Kate Moss and her cocaine-fueled super diet. In fact, I think everyone's bored with every imbecilic thing we've been told to care about lately. It's as if causes, concerns, and raison d'etres have all been mass-produced. Franchised. Stripped of their souls and turned into templatized productions of pick-pocketing prowess. There are only so many colored ribbons we can wear, so many rubber bracelets we can sport, and so many bucks we can donate, before we admit a lipstick-wearing pig has more class and integrity than we do. It's no wonder the Numa Numa Dance is a viral phenomenon. Or that Napoleon Dynamite is the coolest dude to arrive on DVD since that trench coat-wearing, bullet-dodging Neo. We long for the geek who hasn't been turned into a swan yet. He's that perfect, unpolished, near-extinct sprig of dignity that separates us from the crude human facsimiles we're becoming. Let's hope the Bible was right, save for one small typo: The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth. Good luck, guys. And please, stay true to your nunchuck-wielding, liger-loving roots! Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com! Related Articles American Midol: The "I wanna wah-whah-wheahhh" Rant Sep 23 2005
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