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Homeland Homes and Gardens Department Denies Charges of Torture, Other Alleged Wrongdoing
Nov 10 2005 by Tara Zucker
The Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens is currently under investigation by a specially appointed government prosecutor. I can assure you that if any of the allegations are found to have merit, all necessary actions will be taken to ensure that those responsible are held accountable.
The first allegation is that an agent of our Department has refused to reveal his source for several throw pillows that were purchased for the Department's employee lounge. While this is a very serious charge, it is perhaps not so hard to understand the motivation for this alleged act. Our agent, who is a highly trained specialist in the area of home accessories, is duty-bound to protect the secrecy of the many home décor sources he has carefully cultivated over the years. And you really have to see these pillows to understand how incredible they are. They coordinate perfectly with the trim on the armchairs without being matchy-matchy. Of course, this does not excuse their acquisition by any sort of unacceptable method, and the agent has been placed on temporary leave while the matter is under investigation.
The second charge, perhaps more serious, is that the DHHG endorses the use of torture during the course of home remodeling. I can categorically state, without reservation, that this charge is totally false. This allegation stems from a simple misunderstanding. While it has long been our position that the very act of home remodeling IS torture, the Department has never endorsed the use of torture upon any contractor or subcontractor to achieve any particular outcome that may be desired as the result of any act of home remodeling, no matter how the particular contractor or subcontractor may screw up. Even if the drywall seams are visible. Or the cabinet hardware is crooked. On every single friggin' drawer. (It's called a "template," guys. Get one!)
We here at the DHHG are committed to fighting the terror of home décor. We carry a banner that is watched around the world - a carefully designed and color-coordinated banner that we hold high and proud.
Like what you're reading here? Check out the new Homeland Homes and Gardens Blog, and join the patriotic fight against the terror of home décor!
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