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| You are staring at: Home > Entertainment | October 12th |
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 American Midol: Ho-Ho-Hey! What About Joseph?Dec 19 2005 by Lani Voivod
In addition to jingling bells, drunken office parties, and the abundance of super-sized lawn shwag, this time of year's famous for sacks and sacks of controversy.
We're talking Joseph and his martyrific role in Christian lore. Fundamentalists hold that both Mary and Joseph were eternally chaste. Pagan scholars cite biblical references to Jesus' younger siblings. Atheists snigger. This is how the story was delivered unto me: Big Joe proposes to a teenage hottie named Mary. Ever the gentleman, Joe respects her penchant for abstinence…only to wake up one morning to hear Mary say she's pregnant with the Son of God. No, she didn't cheat. Yes, it just happened. And although it's without her consent, they're to be grateful for the honor. And they SHOULD be...except now Joseph's in a real bind. His gorgeous young bride-to-be is carrying Our Lord and Savior, and since God chose her for her virtuous virginal status, it's HIGHLY unlikely she's switching sides on the chastity census any time soon. So there's poor Joseph, the Sisyphus of Celibacy, unable to stray or propagate his own DNA because the All-Knowing One will ban him from Heaven, never mind inform his significant other. However much he enjoys leading donkeys across deserts, or playing the role of Likable Stepdad, he's got quite the mighty cross to bear. The full thrust of Joseph's unholy predicament hits home when one tries to explain one's nativity set to one's three-year-old son. "See, honey? There's the Shepherd, the Three Wise Men, the cow, donkey, camel, Angel, and Jesus' mommy, Mary. Oh, and there's that other guy. No, God is Jesus' daddy. Uh, well, Joseph IS Mary's husband...No, Mommy doesn't have other husbands in Heaven..." Sure hope God made it up to Joe in the afterlife. Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com! Related Articles American Midol: Ho-Ho-Hey! What About Joseph? Dec 19 2005
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