DeadBrain: Daily news satire, spoof, parody and humor

You are slobbering over: Home > Entertainment	August 20th

Home

Archive

News

Politics

Entertainment

	Home

Sport

Features

Propaganda

Today on DeadBrain:
Iceland Announces Switch to Hydrogen-Fuel Starting with All 7 Cars on Island Barack Obama Legally Changes Name to "Barry Manilow" Re-animated Corpses of Merriams, Webster to Convene For Debate Ann Coulter Dying: Pelosium-110 Suspected Company Offers New Hair Replacement Option The Health Report: Holiday Spending Soars for Pets, Plummets for Children

Members

DHHG Profiles in Cleaning: Missy Swiffer

Dec 29 2005 by Tara Zucker

The DHHG "terror alert" system has been canceled. The public is asked to be alert for any suspicious decor, and report it immediately to the proper authorities.

Missy Swiffer was a carefree college freshman when her father, Sid "Swifty" Swiffer, introduced his revolutionary cleaning product and hit pay dirt. While the Swiffer cleaning pad quickly became a success, the Swiffer coed didn't fare quite as well.

"The Swiffer did great things for my father's career, but I had a rough time of it. The frat boys would say things like "Missy Swiffer will pick up anything," or "Missy Swiffer attracts all kinds of garbage." Dropping out of college, Swiffer traveled to the Far East, where she spent time working with the poor of Calcutta. "That really put things in perspective for me. It was dirty. I mean really dirty. I came home with a whole new appreciation for the work my father did."

Back in the states, Missy decided to forgo college when she found herself drawn to work at Swiffer. "I couldn't resist. It was like I was being pulled into it." Working her way through the organization from the ground up, Swiffer eagerly picked up crumbs of knowledge from every corner of the company. Her goal was to find a place for herself, and make her father proud of her. "He clung to the belief there was more he could accomplish. And I just wanted to be part of that."

Then, suddenly, everything changed. One evening while working in his lab, Sid Swiffer collapsed. Unconscious, he fell into a vat of mysterious liquid and drowned.

Despite her grief, Missy noticed that her father's body was squeaky clean, with a very refreshing scent. She quickly realized he had finally found the formula for the new wet Swiffer he had been working on. It had been his greatest personal challenge, and a year to the day after Sid Swiffer was buried, Missy launched the wet Swiffer and saw her father's dream come true.

She is now proud to bear the name Swiffer. While the company cleans up on the stock market, Missy says her father never cared about money. "It's about a different bottom line – a clean floor for the American public."

Missy Swiffer - a proud, clean American.

Like what you're reading here? Check out the Homeland Homes and Gardens Blog, and join the patriotic fight against the terror of home décor!

Related Articles
A Holiday Message From the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens

Dec 15 2005

DHHG Proposes Dress Code; Overalls To Be Outlawed

Dec 1 2005

Homeland Homes and Gardens Department Denies Charges of Torture, Other Alleged Wrongdoing

Nov 10 2005

Ask a Government Decorator! Your Décor Dilemmas Solved

Oct 27 2005

Feh Shui – Authentic New York Style Décor

Oct 13 2005

Katrina's True Lesson - A Spiritual Offering of Hope

Sep 29 2005

Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

	US Edition

	UK Edition

FREE Newsletters


Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently.	Disclaimer \| Privacy Policy \| Survey \| Vermin