Cindy Sheehan's Advice Column, Volume III

Dear Ms. Sheehan:
I just turned eleven and start middle school soon, but I’m dead scared of it. I'm bad at opening locks, I'm nervous about going all around the school for classes, and I'm moving next month so I'll have no friends there. Please help me!!!
Frightened

Dear Frightened:
In Venezuela, people fear the United States will use nuclear bombs against them. Each night, they sleep in their little igloos, wondering when the fire of the Great Capitalist Satan will rain down on their peaceful socialist experiment. Hugo Chavez, the democratically elected leader and my only male lover, does all he can to reduce the fear by keeping many citizens together in small prisons, where they no doubt feel strength in numbers. At night, as the sweet odor of refined oil wafts over the countryside, you can hear them scream in joy at the refuge that their jefe (that’s Spanish for "sweet Latin meat") has provided them.

So when you’re trying to remember your combination lock, and beads of sweat break out on your pimply forehead, think of the millions of Venezuelan kids who try to study despite the fear of instant incineration hanging over their heads.

Dear Cindy,
I've been divorced for five years. My eldest son, 24, never accepted it and still does not. We very seldom speak. He is very, very, bitter. I have a 50th birthday coming up and I'll be inviting other family members. What do I do about my son? Should I send him an invitation? He will definitely decline. It hurts so much that he feels this way.
Estranged

Dear Estranged:
Since your divorce, have you experienced the tender touch of a female? The gentle brush of soft breasts against your bare skin? A frantic lesbo tent-romp under the hot Texas sun, while dirty bohemians sing folk songs outside?

Why not invite me and my traveling partner, Pat, to your birthday party? We would love to help you celebrate and come to terms with your solitude.

As for your son, I haven’t a freaking clue.


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