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The Health Report: Medications and Homosexuality - If You're Gay, You Can Play
The February 27th arrest of singer George Michael for drug possession caused a brief stir in the news, then disappeared. However, senior officials at the Weapons of Mass Euphoria were granted fifty million dollars to spend on researching the effectiveness of traditional medication on homosexuals. The findings have been startling.
Dr. Eudaimonia of the WME released a statement today concerning the research.
"We began with Mr. George Michael's statement to the press after his arrest. Mr. Michael was quoted as saying, "It's my own stupid fault." That raised a red flag with medical staff here at the WME, and we began questioning the issue of 'fault'.
"Misuse of drugs by homosexuals is not their fault, as they themselves are an aberration, and consequently do not respond to medications the way a normal heterosexual person would.
"Testing immediately began on homosexuals, and the results proved this theory, right down to the effectiveness of aspirin. When a heterosexual gets a headache, a simple aspirin or ibuprofen will bring relief. However, these treatments do not relieve the homosexual of the symptoms, nor do stronger headache remedies such as Sumatriptan, known to the public as Imitrex®. The only cure for a headache in a homosexual is cocaine.
"We at the WME have created a powerful combination therapy for the homosexual with a headache - a gram of cocaine to relieve the immediate symptoms, and a copy of the New Testament, to provide long term therapy for the deeper illness - the homosexuality.
"This groundbreaking combination therapy opens the door for thousands of suffering homosexuals. Whether it is a headache, backache, or a simple case of the flu, the combination of cocaine and the Bible has a success rate of 98%. We are very excited to start combination therapy for the tougher diseases - heart problems and diabetes are showing great promise with a heroin and Bible mixture coupled with daily shock treatments.
"We believe that by the year 2008, homosexuals will have no more untreatable health issues. They will all be healthy, treatable heterosexuals, responding well to the medications God and the Government provide."
Something strange is going on inside the White House - does the Weapons of Mass Euphoria Team have the cure, or are they the culprits? Check out the reports from deep inside the WME.
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