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  American Midol

American Midol: Bauer vs. Rumsfeld – The Torture Olympics Showdown

I was doing some light reading this morning on the subject of America's involvement in violating International human rights laws, detainee torture, and the growing list of confirmed criminal homicides under U.S. Army watch, and I couldn't help but wonder…

In the Torture Olympics, who'd go home with the Gold:

  • 24's rapscallion loner Jack Bauer


  • OR

  • That handsome son-of-a-gun Secretary of Defense of ours, Sir Donald Rumsfeld?


  • Now, the only way to fairly judge these competitive mavericks is to look at their track records side by side.

    Ready…set…GO!

    "BULLDOG" Bauer
    • Investors/Backers: Fox Entertainment Group and its parent company, News Corp.

    • Motivation: To fight corrupt people in power, terrorists, and anyone or anything else that threatens the United States of America

    • Top 3 Most-Recent Accusers: President Logan, the Chinese Government, and Bierko

    • A Partial List of Alleged Crimes and Violations: Murdering assassins; Raiding the Chinese consulate; Infiltrating top-secret government computer systems; Transporting encrypted information; Threatening to torture bad guys to get much-needed info in a timely manner

    • Justification: "I'm federal agent Jack Bauer."

    • Most Charming Quote: "When I'm finished with you, you're gonna wish that you felt this good again."
    "RUMMY" Rumsfeld
    • Investors/Backers: The U.S. Government, headed by the Bush Administration

    • Motivation: To deny being a corrupt person in power while fighting terrorists who have the nerve to hide among thousands of unfortunate civilians

    • Top 3 Most-Recent Accusers: Amnesty International, ACLU, and Human Rights First

    • A Partial List of Alleged Crimes and Violations: Approving interrogation techniques that violate International red tape like the Geneva Convention; Sanctioning torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of detainees held in U.S. custody in Afghanistan, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Iraq and other locations

    • Justification: "Stuff happens."

    • Most Charming Quote: "Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."
    Well, whaddaya think? Is Bauer the baddest muther-shut-yo-mouth of all?

    Or does Rumsfeld get the gold, simply because, well, HE'S A REAL PERSON MAKING REALLY BAD CHOICES?

    It's a toughie. If YOU'VE got an opinion, please chime in here! Then head over to The Rumsfeld Diaries for another take on the old coot.

    And don't let Rummy's post at the helm of the most powerful military force in the universe scare you. After all, when you're sounding off on torture, it's all in good fun, right? ;)


    Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to comments@deadbrain.com!

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