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  American Midol

American Midol: Four Crucial Survival Secrets for the Reality-Slapped Wife

Staying married used to be as easy as turning jug wine into vinegar.

Today? Hardly.

Are the realities of "wedded bliss" seducing you into reconsidering your sexual orientation? Then say "Alleluhiah!" and rejoice, my married sister! The following well-kept gems will help you endure the next 60 years without upgrading grooms...AND without losing him to someone younger, prettier, or more sympathetic than you!
  1. Never go to bed angrier than your spouse. Why fume 'til 3AM while he's lost in rapturous slumber? Fire your most winning pot shots with Athena-like dexterity right before his head hits the pillow, then pop two melatonin so you crash first. Victory goes to those who dare to dream!

  2. Make time for intimate encounters. It's all too easy to forgo quality interactions. Next time you're fried like a 80s perm, try this:
    • Find a night when your husband's free.

    • Book a reservation at your favorite restaurant.

    • Call a cherished gal pal and say, "Surprise! I'm taking you out!" (Got kids? No worries your husband can babysit! He's free, remember?)

  3. Master the fine art of communication. When it comes to imparting your wants and needs, slip on your sassiest boots and kick subtlety to the curb. Men are visual creatures, so visual aids like Post-It notes, PowerPoint presentations, and aggressive billboard campaigns along his commute route are downright mandatory.

  4. Play hard to get at all costs. An overwrought wife is about as much fun to live with as a sleep-deprived Komodo dragon with a hemorrhoid flare-up. So why risk it? Stick with the 5-4-3 plan: five days of avoiding the inevitable, leading to four minutes of conjugal glory, followed by three weeks of reminding him that you "just did it the other day! Jeesh..."
What now? Celebrate! You're ready to reach your golden years with a doting and ever-wanting spouse by your side. So go on raise that brim-filled goblet of sour grapes to you and your fiery commitment to nuptial success. Cheers!

Enjoyed this American Midol column? Or diabolically incensed by its uselessness? Either way, you're invited to check out all of Lani Voivod's Midol spasms right here. Wanna sound off on this subject? Send your feedback to!

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