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Today on DeadBrain:
Iceland Announces Switch to Hydrogen-Fuel Starting with All 7 Cars on Island Barack Obama Legally Changes Name to "Barry Manilow" Re-animated Corpses of Merriams, Webster to Convene For Debate Ann Coulter Dying: Pelosium-110 Suspected Company Offers New Hair Replacement Option The Health Report: Holiday Spending Soars for Pets, Plummets for Children

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Profile: Jim Bauman

Location

Chicagoland area

Biography

Jim Bauman will gratefully accept any smidgen of false flattery or large cash payoffs at or through jimbaumansdeadbrain@covad.net.

As a cubicle curmudgeon in a medium-size company that was in Chapter 11 bankruptcy for over three years, I maintain a subterranean profile. Whenever the IT Director walks by my cubicle, he asks his inferior, "Can't we downsize that odd, funny-looking guy yet?"

Because the inferior survives and even succeeds in a hostile corporate environment by the deliberate action of never making a decision, I've been spared many a time. Yet, I never know when my time may run out. By the time you read this, I could be another nameless and faceless jobless statistic.

I've heard from an anonymous source at DeadBrain that whenever Allen Voivod, the US editor, reads one of my articles, he grits his teeth so hard, he's had to be fitted with a sponge-like retainer. He sighs so deeply the paperwork on his desk is blown onto the floor. He loudly laments, "Is there no one who can rescue me from this mind-numbing mediocrity?"

It's only because of Allen's profound sense of Christian charity and compassion that my articles get published. He ends his correspondence to me with the constant admonition, "Now, don't quit your day job!"