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| You have fallen over: Home > Global News | November 18th |
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ABC Adds Ashcroft, Hitler, Kazan's Corpse to "Monday Night Football" Nov 11 2003 by Ryan Moore In the wake of the Rush Limbaugh/ESPN debacle, the Disney Corporation implemented some changes to their "Monday Night Football" announcing team. A spokesman explained: "We now realize the problem with Rush wasn't that we went too far, it was that we didn't go far enough. With the climate in America today, Rush was just too liberal for our audience. Therefore, we are proud to announce that Al Michaels and John Madden will be joined by Attorney General John Ashcroft; an Old European leader that even Republicans can love, Adolf Hitler; and the re-animated corpse of recently deceased Hollywood director and name-namer, Elia Kazan." The following is a partial transcript of last night's inaugural broadcast: JOHN MADDEN: Good evening everybody, and welcome to the frozen tundra of Green Bay's Lambeau Field! BAM! ADOLF HITLER: Ach, the frozen tundra is no match for the Aryan might of the Eagles! The Eagles will conquer all! JOHN ASHCROFT: I'd like to take a moment to talk about the New England Patriots. JM: But John, tonight's game is between the Packers and the Eagles! BAM! JA: John, are you saying you're not in favor of the Patriots? And what's all this "BAM" stuff? The sound of bombs exploding, perhaps? Terrorist, unpatriotic bombs? JM: Let's send it down to our new sideline reporter, the corpse of Elia Kazan. CORPSE OF ELIA KAZAN: Thank you, John. I'm here with Packers quarterback Brett Favre. BRETT FAVRE: It's gonna be a tough game, but we're gonna go out there and give 110 percent. COEK: That's nice Brett. But I have a question: poor locker room hygiene is an increasingly serious threat to the survival of the NFL. So I ask you now, under oath, do you now, or have you ever, been a locker room shower pee-er? BF: No I don't pee in the shower! That's disgusting! COEK: Fine. But certainly you admit that shower-peeing exists on the Green Bay Packers. Perhaps I could have the names of some of your teammates who engage in this disgusting practice? Tune in to DeadBrain tomorrow for the conclusion of this groundbreaking broadcast transcript!
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