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| You have come across: Home > News | January 6th |
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 Media in Iraq Ordered to Report from Army News Handouts Only or Be ShotJan 7 2004 by Andy Grainger
American forces in Iraq have cracked down on a new insurgency in Baghdad, US General Richard Myers said at a press briefing today."We couldn't figure out what was going wrong here. Then we discovered that organizations like Reuters were aiding and abetting the enemy by reporting things. Well, that was it for them. From now on we fire at everybody." The crowd of correspondents reacted by shouting loudly, and Le Monde reporter Jacques Frenshguy asked Myers if this was a news blackout. He was immediately shot dead by a nearby Marine. General Myers glowered at the suddenly quiet throng and went on to explain the ground rules: "Media people will simply accept handouts from the Coalition Authorities and publish them. They will cease interviewing Iraqis, UN people and Democrats. In fact, they should all just stay in the hotel and we will call them if there is anything to report. In other words, behave like Fox News and CNN." An Al Jazeera representative raised his hand and then put it down again. Wolf Blitzer smirked at him and said, "General Myers, sir, does this mean we've turned a corner in Iraq, that the end is in sight?" "It certainly does, Wolf," Myers smiled, "and you can quote me on that." Everyone ducked as a mortar round landed nearby, and the Joint Chief Chairman barked, "That never happened and this briefing is over. Thank you, keep your heads down and your mouths shut." In other news from Iraq, DeadBrain has discovered that...nothing happened. Everything is fine. Couldn't be better, really. Bye for now. Related Articles Exclusive: Bush Foreign Policy Based on Lousy Star Wars Script Jan 3 2004 Exclusive: Bush Foreign Policy Based on Lousy Star Wars Movie Script Jan 3 2004 Canuck Resistance to CIA Coup Stiffens; Rumsfeld Says No New Troops Needed Jan 1 2004 With Saddam Gone, Iraqi Looting REALLY Takes Off! Dec 30 2003 Bush Hails CIA Coup In Ottawa Dec 27 2003 In Biggest Vocal Gaffe Yet, Bush Promises Troops "Home by Christmas" Dec 23 2003
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