Saddam's Diary Reveals End of Epic Romance with Donald Rumsfeld
Jan 22 2004 by Allen Voivod
High-level White House source "Shallow Esophagus" has passed on to DeadBrain a copy of Saddam Hussein's private diary, which tells the final chapter of Saddam's epic romance with US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Their sordid love affair was revealed to the world when the UK edition of DeadBrain acquired Rumsfeld's Diaries last May.
The diary, which makes Anne Frank's seem about as important to future generations as a Klingon blog, was hidden in the recesses of Saddam's enormous beard. Due to his intimate knowledge of the infamous dictator, Rumsfeld issued a special request that saved the diary from being lost to the world forever. In a top-secret order, he directed US Army medics to pack the pile of shaved beard hair in a diplomatic pouch bound for Washington, immediately after Saddam's spa day at US taxpayer expense.
The circumstances under which Esophagus acquired the diary from Rumsfeld must be kept secret to protect Esophagus' true identity. However, we can reveal that the situation involved switching Rumsfeld's 'Tang' powder concentrate with orange-flavored Metamucil; a chest wig made out of Saddam's beard hair; a potpourri jar filled with crushed dill weed; and a subscription card for Bullets and Bulges Magazine, which Esophagus filled out in Rumsfeld's name 6-8 weeks ago.
To prevent the DeadBrain US offices from suffering the fate of the UK offices when Rumsfeld's Diaries were published, we've placed the files for safekeeping in Idaho, a state populated by people whose hatred of the government is matched only by their hatred for everything else.
In a related story, DeadBrain settled an International Satirists Guild investigation by hiring two gay former US Army translators, who were originally fired for telling without being asked. These Arabic specialists translated the journals for DeadBrain, proving their patriotism by conducting key demonstrations of homosexual practices for which there were no precise English-language equivalents.
After we complete our Patriot Act affidavit, assuring the feds that we're not transmitting coded messages to almanac-hoarding terrorists, DeadBrain will publish four startling articles to illuminate the results of the brief but unhappy second chance at love for these star-crossed megalomaniacs! Stay tuned...