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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | August 20th |
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 Halliburton to Iraqis: "Uncle Dick Wants YOU!"Feb 17 2004 by Andy Grainger
American forces narrowly missed coming under attack yesterday when a large car bomb exploded not two blocks from their heavily fortified base. Luckily, it only took out the neighborhood Police Recruitment Center and no Americans were injured.Since the attack wiped out the entire local police force and all the trainees, security has been taken over by Halliburton Security Systems®. Their spokespeople declined to speak with us, but put out a statement saying that their position was temporary and new recruitment would begin immediately. Today, black-suited 'HalliTroopers®' could be seen dragging screaming Iraqi men to the new station to be fitted with uniforms. "They go into a market and yell 'UNCLE DICK WANTS YOU!' and the place clears out faster than George Bush blowing off National Guard duty," our translator commented from under a car. "Can't blame them, really. Lifespan is about two weeks for law enforcement here." We all ducked as another ear-shattering explosion threw debris into the air a few blocks away. "There goes the new courthouse," remarked a passing HalliTrooper®. "Damn, we just hired all those guys...HEY Hadjii, want to be a judge?" He ran off after a madly sprinting looter and we decided to call it a day and get lunch. Our Marine escort looked after him wistfully, saying, 'Those guys got it made. All our grub comes in these cans marked 'Cheney Foods - Three Mile Island.' Where the hell is Three Mile Island, anyway?" Next week: Iraqi tourism industry still struggling in spite of massive U.S. grants to HalliTours® Ltd. Related Articles Bush Tells Grand Jury Literally "Everything" He Knows in Seven Minutes Feb 16 2004 Halliburton's New Profit Scheme: Mugging Soldiers on the Street Feb 5 2004 Bush's Intelligence, Memory Lapses Now Under Investigation Feb 4 2004 Bush and Blair Discuss Short-Hair Removal as Punishment for Saddam Feb 2 2004 Bush Makes It Crystal Clear Why We Attacked Iraq - Because There Was Tomfoolery Afoot! Jan 25 2004 Airlines Turn Over Mile-High Club Passenger Data to Federal Government Jan 19 2004
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