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  War on America

More Pentagon-Mandated Positive Spin from the War in Iraq

The American commander in Iraq, General John Abizaid, said today that more troops might be needed to quell "new areas of unrest."

They include the Sunni sections of Iraq, the Shiite neighborhoods, the Saddam DeadEnders Society, Death Punks for Jesus and the local chapters of al-Qaeda and Jehovah's Witness. In a surprising turn of events, renegade Baptist missionaries have even been seen piloting suicide donkeys toward Marine checkpoints.

General Abizaid also announced two new offensives to restore order. Operation Heroic Superman Freedom Mindbender began yesterday in Falluja, blasting through piles of rubble and garbage to bring democracy back to the people. The people responded with celebratory gunfire and joyful mortar rounds, greeting their liberators with the "shaking fist" salute common to their city.

The second undertaking, Operation Massive Democracy Colon Blow, targeted restive parts of Baghdad. Groups of Iraqi old people, who had been hitting troops with shoes and walking really slowly across intersections, were detained. When the lead elements came under fire from hospitals and schools, they compassionately held their fire, calling in pinpoint air strikes instead.

Lieutenant Colonel William (Willy) Williams, of the 44th Infantry Division, hunkered down behind his APC in a quiet moment and spoke to DeadBrain's local news team...

"I just don't understand it," he said. "We were going to let them vote for our handpicked candidates in June. Halliburton Soup Kitchens are open. The water and power should be back on before winter...what do these people want?"

A shower of Apache arrows flew over the vehicle and we climbed back over new piles of rubble and garbage to interview local man Ali Aliali.

"Holy Allah, we haven't seen this much excitement around here since Operation Powerful Rumsfeld Jesus Hammer blew through last month. The army paid me 0 for squashing my car. This morning a tank ran over my Grandmother, she should be good for a couple of bucks, eh?"

In Washington, President Bush hailed the new initiatives, saying, "When the going gets tough, Americans get going for Freedom. And Democracy. And I'm the War President. John Kerry's not, I am. Me."

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