FCC Now Banning Wizard of Oz Under Almighty Influence
Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell, flanked by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, announced today another victory against moral turpitude by banning further showings of The Wizard of Oz.
Robertson said that the use of witches and flying monkeys was an affront to Christianity. When asked how he knew it was an affront Robertson claimed, "The Almighty told me."
Powell, son of Secretary of State Colin Powell, said that for years the public has been duped by movies like Oz. Powell cited movies such as Cinderella, which depicts a wardrobe malfunction leading to the exposing of a bare foot and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, which according to Powell is really about a "voluptuous brunette virgin ravaged by depraved midgets." Robertson and Falwell both agreed that these are the types of movies causing current moral decay.
Reporters attending the announcement asked if Powell, Falwell or Robertson had seen Oz. All denied seeing it, citing fear of ungodly influence.
Powell, in addition to agreeing that Oz be banned, announced a new FCC policy entitled Fatwarn. Fatwarns (warnings) would be issued by the Moral Counsel, comprised of him, Robertson and Falwell. Fines would be levied under this policy.
Powell defended his action by taking a page from President Bush, who has cited The Almighty as his authority. Powell stated, "There is no Constitutional violation here because the Constitution is not mentioned in the Bible and of course the Bible is the ultimate source."
Powell revealed that Attorney General Ashcroft had sustained his position. Robertson added, "If they show Oz one more time Kansas will be devastated."
After the press conference, Falwell and Robertson took the time to compliment each other on their respectively perfectly coifed hair and mellifluous trance-inducing voices.