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Who Is Freedom Ferret? A DeadBrain Exclusive

Jun 29 2004 by Lani Voivod

Once in a great while, a sage comes along - nay, a spiritual overlord - who seems to appear out of nowhere, and brings wisdom and direction to a people who are desperate for both.

Moses. Jesus. Gandhi. Dr. King. Bill the Cat.

And now, FREEDOM FERRET.

We know not from where he hails, but he knows. Oh yes, he does. Still, he won’t say.

He is on a higher plane - beyond the Einsteins, the Michael Moores, and the disciples of Heaven’s Gate.

His messages are simple, yet profoundly complex.

For example, instead of asking what his country can do for him, The Ferret wonders aloud whether the rain in Spain is suitable for drinking on the Midwest plains. Ah-ha! Suddenly, the answer reveals itself...And the parched communities between Denver and Indianapolis are thirsty no more.

His understanding of humans and humanity is ubiquitous. Freakishly so.

He knows in order to lead a nation, he must speak its people’s language. Thus, he embraces pop and pulp-political references to deliver his emancipating ideologies.

Republicans honor his courage.

Democrats celebrate his radical self-expression.

Green Party members dig his long hair, his refusal to wear commercial deodorants, and his indescribable sex appeal.

Libertarians are still arguing about why they like him, but they’re due to reach a verdict sometime. Maybe.

And what of Freedom Ferret? What does HE think about his ever-growing base of rabid devotees?

He doesn’t. He just IS.

And that’s the thing about The Ferret: He just IS.

And so, it is now your job - your duty as a free-thinking, red-blooded, God-or-some-other-entity-fearing American - to do the following:

Trust.
Believe.
Absorb.
Exist.

Freedom Ferret will handle the rest.


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