A Profile of Douglass Ramssmullett, 183rd President of the International Satirists Guild

Despite the Norse origins of the International Satirists Guild (ISG), its current president, Douglass Ramssmullett, is the first Norwegian to hold the post in nearly two centuries. (The last, Torvag Fondergenksson, was elected in a sympathy vote after Sweden attacked Norway in 1812.)

Violence marks Ramssmullett's tenure. He rose to power after the assassination of former president Aydidalhdidal Aaliyah by Islamic anti-satirist extremists in 2002. Now over two years into his term, Ramssmullett himself has survived three known attempts on his life, two of which involved poisoned meatcakes, a staple of Norwegian cuisine.

Food is a weak spot for Ramssmullett. A 53-year-old former tugboat operator, he's had his share of "lutefisk" and then some. But he's also mindful of the lack of lye-soaked cod in others' lives. He sponsors three kids in the "Save the Children" campaign - one each in Palau, Mongolia, and Detroit.

While plying the fjords in his tugboat, the Ettertrykkelig Samboerforhold, he suffered a horrendous injury, the details of which are sealed by royal decree. He walks with a pronounced limp to this day and uses a cane, the head of which is a sculpted replica of the hand of M.C. Escher.

Ramssmullett's satire credentials are somewhat questionable. Like many others in the modern trade, he ran a website, Røkesild-Handarbeidslærer.no. The site is best known for being one of only three sites ever to offer compensation to contributors, but most of them stopped writing after they received payment in herring.

It was during this time that Aaliyah was assassinated, and Ramssmullett ascended to the Guild presidency. He claims that his duties have prevented him from updating his website, and in fact the site was shut down by his ISP in early 2003.

President Ramssmullett now spends much of his time serving as an ambassador for satirists in print, online, and multimedia venues, often appearing on the steps of ISG Headquarters in Oslo to deliver impromptu press conferences. When not in his bulletproof office, he uses his intimate knowledge of the fjords to hide and defend himself from further assassination attempts.

Mr. Ramssmullett has offered to answer questions from the media if emailed to press@deadbrain.com.

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