Condoleezza Rice Gets "Extreme Makeover"

The White House announced today that National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice has had an extreme makeover.

The makeover was performed by Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Ryan Gerossie. "She had a face lift, an eye tuck, a nose scrape, a jaw re-hinging, a cleft palate repair and a collar bone enhancement. And, since the taxpayers are footing the bill, we threw in some liposuction and a pair of boobs," said the famed surgeon.

The makeover is already having positive effects for the Bush Administration.

On a recent trip to France, her first after the surgery, she convinced the heretofore reluctant French to send 100,000 troops to Iraq. An aide at the meeting said, "(French President) Jacques (Chirac) just sat there, his eyes locked on her beautiful face. I don't think he knew what she was saying. He signed the papers without even looking at them."

Chirac reportedly sat in stunned silence for five minutes after the meeting before finally saying, "Mon dieu."

Rice then went to Germany and Russia, convincing the two nations to contribute 100,000 soldiers each to the Iraqi War Coalition. DeadBrain obtained a tape of a phone call placed from Russian President Vladimir Putin to German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.

"Did you see those eyes, Gerhard?" gushed the Russian leader. "I could look at them all night."

"Ja," replied Schroeder. "And her ass was nice, too." The two men giggled for five minutes before the tape ended.

North Korea even agreed to "End all nuclear programs, all weapons programs, and to end Communism," after Rice visited Pyongyang later in the week.

However, there have been some problems with the transformation. According to a source, Vice President Dick Cheney keeps trying to lure Dr. Rice to the Undisclosed Location for the weekend.

On the positive side, Dr. Rice's press conferences have been standing room only since the makeover, and her Match.com mailbox is full.

Related Articles
Bush Ordered to Active Duty for Failure to Complete Military Obligation

Sep 11 2004

Bush Retracts Bin Laden Steel Cage Match Offer

Aug 19 2004

America's Unemployed Linked to Al-Qaeda

Aug 16 2004

Homeland Security: "Gettysburg, Vicksburg, Pearl Harbor Are Potential Terrorist Targets"

Aug 8 2004

James Earl Jones Named CIA Chief

Aug 2 2004

Insurgents Aim to Iraq the Vote in November

Jul 25 2004

More in this section