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| You are sitting on: Home > News | March 22nd |
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 Jet Strafes School to Thwart Terrorists; "Definitely Not" George Bush on a Victory JoyrideNov 5 2004 by Greg Kuhl
A National Guard fighter jet that strafed a New Jersey school with 25 rounds of ammunition had gotten erroneous information that the building was an al-Qaeda hideout and training center."Our intelligence sources said the school was a breeding ground for terrorists, or Terrorist Larvae, if you will," said National Guard spokesman Cleon Jones. "So we attacked it. Oops, never mind. They lied. Our bad." Luckily, the attack happened in the middle of the night, so kids and teachers weren't there. But it did scare the bejabbers out of the night custodian, who took six hours to get his resting heart rate to drop below 150. Jones vehemently denied that the pilot was actually President George W. Bush on a joyride to celebrate his sort-of resounding victory over Sen. John Kerry. "We can account for the president's whereabouts at the time this unfortunate incident occurred," Jones said. "He was at the White House, enjoying milk and cookies with his family. No way he was the pilot, no way he was trying to make up for those lost National Guard hours back in 1972." Jones said officials were unable to verify the location of Vice President Dick Cheney, although Jones said Cheney was believed to have been in his usual undisclosed Veep Bunker at the time. "As much as he'd probably like to, it'd be hard for Cheney to be a pilot with a bad ticker," Jones said. "Top Gun material he's not." Internet bloggers suggested that the attack was the first in a series designed to intimidate voters in states, such as New Jersey, that supported Kerry. Bloggers said that residents of the New England states, as well as California, Oregon and any other state whose electoral votes went to Kerry can expect similar attacks. "You can never start too early for 2008," one blogger said. But Jones said it was ineptitude and bad intelligence, not ulterior motives, that prompted the attack. "We'll try to be more careful next time," Jones said. "Hey, at least we didn't do it during recess." Related Articles After High Explosives HMX and RDX Go Missing In Iraq, Bush Targets BMX Bikers Nov 2 2004
An Al-Qaeda Holiday May Soon Be Available at a Cave Near You
Oct 16 2004
Local Donkey Wounded During US Marine Raid of Iraqi School
Oct 9 2004
Bush: I'll Adopt Kerry's Iraq Plan, No Need to Vote for Him Now
Sep 30 2004
First Cat Stevens, Now Gordon Lightfoot Denied Entry to US
Sep 29 2004
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