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President Bush Escapes From Canada Unharmed; Befuddlement Level Stable
President George W. Bush originally planned to visit Canada for a month, but his advisers feared that the country's culture might confuse him and lead to an embarrassing international incident.
So Bush, after appearances in Ottawa and Halifax, was whisked out the country without incident and returned to the safe harbor of the United States. Among the issues that Bush's advisers feared:
The time zones in Newfoundland and Nunavut: Newfoundland time is thirty minutes off adjoining time zones, and White House officials said they didn't want Bush to have to understand why. Plus, Nunavut covers three time zones, but only uses one - another potential thorny issue to comprehend.
The loonie and the toonie: The Canadian $1 coin and $2 coin may have perplexed Bush, officials said. More than one American has thought the toonie looks as though it might have a chocolate center and could be eaten.
The National Hockey League lockout: Bush told confidants that he's glad the NHL isn't playing this season, which allows Americans to focus more energy on real sports like football and basketball. Bush also said arenas in places like Phoenix, Atlanta and Tampa should be used for events such as circuses and religious crusades rather than hockey. Bush's anti-hockey beliefs, officials said, could have been disastrous in hockey-mad Canada.
Highway signs: Officials didn't want to explain that highway signs that say 110 don't mean 110 miles an hour. "No sense in having the president's limousine going way too fast and getting a ticket," a White House spokesman said.
"We just figured these issues - along with mad cow disease, Alberta beef, British Columbia not being next to Quebec and all Canadians not living in igloos - were just too sensitive to risk international embarrassment."
Bush agreed, saying: "It takes too long to learn all that stuff. It took me more than three years to thank the people of Nova Scotia for taking in American travelers on 9/11. By the time I seriously think about Canada again, I'll be out of office."
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