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Rumsfeld Tries a New Tack - Stand-Up!

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On Christmas Eve, our DeadBrain reporter was at a military hospital in the Baghdad Green Zone when Donald Rumsfeld strolled in. His report:

An anonymous Major General was outraged. "First, a suicide bomber kills 22 soldiers at a mess tent in Mosul, now Rumsfeld prances in here!"

It's the second major security breach in just a few days and an embarrassment for the military brass in Iraq. Doctors and nurses stuffed cotton into the injured soldiers' ears to protect them from the Defense Secretary's typically cold and callous remarks. "We didn't want Rumsfeld worsening their medical conditions," said one doctor.

Actually, it wasn't the second major security breach but the third, because earlier, Rumsfeld popped up at a marine base in Fallujah during breakfast. After the groaning died down, Rumsfeld displayed a post-Christmas Scrooge side of himself by smiling and cracking jokes. He introduced a drummer he'd brought along. Thereafter, whenever Rumsfeld ended a joke, his drummer pounded out a rimshot.

"It's good to be here with you in the sunny climes of Iraq. Before coming here, I spoke with Saddam in his prison cell. He's looking forward to his criminal trial in hopes that he'll get a hung jury. He said in the old days, if he got a hung jury, he'd have handled their hangings himself." The drums sounded - badamp-splash!

"For you single, lonely guys, I hear that your best bet is to see an Iraqi orchard farmer. He can get you some dates." Badamp-splash!

"Recently, I was upbraiding my immediate inferior, Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Dog of Defense, about his stupid mistakes, and I told him that if he doesn't improve, instead of calling him a 'neo-con,' I'll be forced to start calling him a 'Neanderthal-con.'" Badamp-splash!

"What do a suicidal Iraqi insurgent and my comedy act in Iraq have in common? They always bomb!" Badamp-splash!

After Rumsfeld finished, an ear-splitting silence pervaded the mess hall.

"You've been a great audience. Thank you very much!!" shouted Rumsfeld. Then, the Donald and the drummer hastily left the building.

A quick-thinking colonel ordered Tums and brandy shots all around.

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