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Exclusive: "Chatter" Leads to Discovery of Fundamentalist Home Decorating Cell
Responding to an unusually high level of chatter, the FBI has uncovered a document it believes to be the work of a fundamentalist home decorating group. Reprinted below in its entirety, the document appears to be an appeal to the rapidly growing segment of society obsessed with renovating and decorating every single home in the entire world, whether it needs it or not.
RENOVATION NOW! The world is a dangerous place. Terrorists are getting past our borders, viruses are getting into our computers, and Jen and Brad are getting divorced. With all the turmoil and confusion, the only sane thing to do is JUST STAY HOME!
We are a home-bound generation of renovators. Our heroes are makeover mavens and decorating divas. Why do you think they put Martha in jail? It had nothing to do with stock shenanigans. She was gaining power with her tasty recipes and craft tips. She had influence. She had to be stopped.
The powers that be may want us to stay home, but they want us to do it their way. Well, we're not going to. This ain't your grandfather's mortgage. We're out of escrow and through the looking-glass. We knock down walls and faux paint. We feng shui and wire for cable, and at the end of day as we collapse, exhausted, into our million thread-count sheets, we know that we are safe in our homes, and if not safe, then at least very, very comfortable.
I am ready for the struggle! Wherever there's a guy making 18 trips to the Home Center to fix one faucet, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fight between a husband and a wife over paint color, I'll be there. I'll be there in the way plumbers yell when they're mad. I'll be there in the way people say "We don't need cash. We'll use the equity!" And when people are trying to figure out stuff like whether bathroom sconces should be hung facing up or down – I'll be there, too. Come, my brothers and sisters - join me! Renovation Now! RENOVATION NOW!!!!
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