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Homes Honcho Declares War on French Country

Feb 10 2005 by Tara Zucker

DHHG Terror Alert: The return of "Avocado Green"

In its first official act since creation, the Dept. of Homeland Homes and Gardens today seized hundreds of boxes of French Country decorating objects. The merchandise, bound for stores across the nation, included such items as ceramic roosters, porcelain pigs holding chalkboard menus, and brightly patterned table linens.

The DHHG issued the following statement: "As patriots, we need to show our troops that we're 100% behind them. This kind of thing - the Frenchy roosters? It just sends the wrong message."

When reached for comment, an official at one of the country's largest home decorating stores laughed and said "French Country? Pa-leese. No one is even doing that anymore – except maybe my Aunt Ida in Middleton, Ohio."

As news of the seizures spread over the Internet, heated arguments erupted debating the merits of decorative bottles filled with peppers and oil. There were scattered protests, but only in Middleton, Ohio and two towns in Connecticut. Fox News immediately dispatched reporters to Ohio where one angry citizen, who would only give her name as "Ida," was furious.

"I just did my whole damn kitchen in French Country. Now I have to redecorate because of some stupid fanatics halfway across the world? I always thought this country was supposed to stand for freedom of decorating. But I guess I was wrong!"

Secretary Kenneth of the DHHG released the following statement: "As of today we have initiated an amnesty program for collection of French country themed objects, which may be left, no questions asked, at any home improvement store or mall. I was hired to do a job, and I won't rest until the last French rooster is off U.S. soil. We are also introducing the new Patriot Decorating Act, which will be explained in a series of really fun, hands-on, workshops. Our message to the world? Americans have glue guns and we're not afraid to use them."

There was no immediate reaction from the French Consulate.

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