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Domineering Diva Devises Devilish Do-Re-Mi Design
Mar 9 2005 by Jim Bauman
KER-FWOP!...Whoosh!...Icy water poured over Tim's head from his Styrofoam beer cooler perched on the rooftop's ledge. He shivered and looked up to see an arrow poking out from the back of the cooler. Spotting a note wound around the arrow, Tim unfurled the note and read: "Timmy, get your butt down here. Something's happening – Biff."
Biff from the Knight Ridder newspaper syndicate had been looking out for Tim ever since Tim had handed him the story about the Baghdad toy maker who'd created the popular Alberto Gonzales Torturer action figure. (Black leather hood, steel whip, and water boarding materials sold separately.)
After rapidly ingesting a box of Hostess Ho Hos, Tim entered the horde of frenzied Jackson fans. He watched non-descript men unload two large plasma TVs and viewing tents from a van with a satellite dish on top. After the setup, as people stared at the blank screens, the image of Martha Stewart flickered into existence.
"Hello, you kindred spirits of Michael Jackson!" said Martha. "As you know, I'm currently confined to my humble home, so I can't be there with you to advocate for Michael. Yet, my support is authentic and heart-felt."
"Today, I'm politely demanding your help. Because of the brutal judicial attacks on famous, special personages lately, I've started a legal aid fund – Celebrities Helped by Unremarkable, Mundane People (CHUMP).
"Just as you little people are comfortable with a certain level of income, so are we. The huge fees demanded by defense attorneys reduce a celebrity's standard of living, and then we have no choice but to pass those staggering legal costs on to you by dramatically increasing the retail prices for our CDs, DVDs, and other artistic creations. I'm sure that in your limited way you can understand our mutual plight.
"Your financial aid is absolutely essential.
"Donate 0 or more, and I'll send you a set of my high-thread-count, 'Essential Living' bed sheets.
"Donate now! It's a good thing!"