North Dakota Turned Into World's Largest Prison
The Federal Bureau of Prisons announced today that the entire state of North Dakota will be converted into an enormous prison to house the rapidly growing US inmate population.
With 2.1 million people behind bars in the US, it is getting increasingly difficult to find places to put all the criminals. North Dakota, with its lousy weather, flat terrain, and dwindling population, is the perfect site for the world's largest penal colony.
North Dakota officials are excited about the economic benefits of adding several million new residents. North Dakota entrepreneurs are already gearing up to produce guns, iron bars, substandard medical equipment, and orange jumpsuits. North Dakota will also get the honor of performing all executions, which is expected to bring in heavy tourist traffic.
Placing all prisoners in North Dakota will bring badly needed publicity to the most unremarkable state in the union. North Dakota's only claim to fame is as the birthplace of Lawrence Welk, a fact the state has been attempting to hide for over 20 years.
"This will definitely put North Dakota on the map," said a North Dakota tourism official. "We're confident all those murderers, rapists, and stock swindlers will have great things to say about North Dakota if and when they get out."
Bureau of Prisons officials are concerned, however, that North Dakota's proximity to Canada may have an adverse impact on the US system. They hope extensive monitoring will reduce the possibility of Canada's lower crime and incarceration rates leaking over the border.
Barring the Canadian effect, projections indicate that the prison population will continue to grow rapidly for the next several years. Penal experts expect the greatest increases to come from small-time drug dealers, the mentally ill, and CEOs. North Dakota officials are also hopeful that the Supreme Court will outlaw various consensual adult sexual practices, thus giving even more Americans a chance to experience North Dakota hospitality.
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